Yesterday made 5 weeks since daddy's transition into heaven. The past month and a half has really been a blur. I've gotten back into the flow of working. My coworkers showed so much love the day I returned. I was just ready to be distracted by work, meanwhile they were ready to hug and share their condolences. I walk around with grace and peace. The truth though is that I am still in pain. I also am coming to an understanding that there is no time limit for grief, but it has to happen. When I think about the quality of life that daddy had in his days prior to going to heaven, my heart just breaks. I remember the days of him, puking, asking for prayer, and staring at me ...sometimes lifelessly. It pains me to say that daddy died before April 2. I lost my best friend. Daddy was my confidant and my peace. He was the voice of reason when I needed some common sense, a word of advice, some encouragement, or just the truth. Daddy knew how to cut me in love.
Daddy always wanted a baby girl. Making Steps Forward: People ask me all the time "how are you?" To be honest, I'm sad, angry, hurt, happy, and relieved all at once, but that's too many feelings to explain, so "I'm alright" or "I'm okay" suffices. The biggest perk of being a follower of Jesus Christ is the free (yet expensive) gift of the Holy Spirit. I received salvation for the first time at 8 years old. While the seeds were planted, I didn't begin taking responsibility to water those seeds until my teenage years. After all this chaos, I have really come to understand what is accessible through the Holy Spirit. Growing up, you learn about the fruits of the Spirit, but it's times like now where I have to partake in those fruits for my own well-being. Through this grieving process, I am learning how to control my own thoughts and feelings. God gave me joy, peace, and temperance (or self control) among other fruits to ask for and use as freely as I need through the Holy Spirit. I make a conscious effort to keep and protect those fruits daily with the word of God. While I still can't look at pictures or videos of my dad, every day is a baby step to be a better Victoria. Daddy's girl is alright. She's making those baby steps. ♥